Sleep

A few nights ago, my husband and I left Alex with a babysitter to go out to dinner for our anniversary. It was the first time we had left him with anyone for quite some time, and as we drove to the restaurant I worried about whether or not she would be able to get him to sleep. Though we had gotten Alex to take a bottle early on, we had not done so in quite some time and Alex usually nursed to sleep.

This worry prompted me to think about a larger concern; was Alex developing sleep "problems"? Though he generally sleeps a solid 10-hour stretch at night and takes several naps a day, I began to wonder about some of our techniques. Was nursing him to sleep making him dependent on me? What about my responses to Alex's occasional late-night feeding demands and our habit of pulling him into bed with us if he woke up early? Were these creating problems as well?

Sleep is clearly a huge issue for parents of young children. It is almost always a topic of conversation among the parents I know. "How is today going?" is often followed by a report that includes the previous night's sleep and the length of today's nap. Friends, relatives, and even strangers ask us whether or not Alex is a "good" sleeper, and I have even caught myself walking into Alex's room after a long nap and saying "What a good nap you took!"

This all makes me wonder where the normative aspects of sleep came from and whether or not I should be buying into them. Are we concerned about babies' sleep habits because of concerns for their health and happiness or because it is convenient for us?

The answer, I am sure, is a mix of both. Just looking at our own family, there are clearly times when Alex is fussy or sick and has trouble getting himself to sleep. These are the times when I help him get to sleep because I think he needs it, and the times when I pray for a long nap for his sake. More often, though, I find myself wishing for a long nap so that I can enjoy time to myself or I realize that I'm trying to put Alex to bed because "it's about that time" when he is clearly content to continue playing or just needs a change of scenery.

In one of her earliest books on education and parenting, The Secret of Childhood, Montessori chastizes parents who put their children to bed for their own convenience. She cites this as one of the many examples of parents thwarting their child's developmental needs to serve their own ends. While I truly believe that parents have, in general, become much more sensitive to their children's needs, I also believe that her admonishment stills bears weight today. At times, I do see sleep as a vehicle to meeting my needs, and this more often than not creates frustration for us both.

What, then, is the alternative? In her writings, Montessori clearly states that the child becomes "normalized" through appropriate, meaningful work. Unfortunately, many of the terms in this phrase have become so laden with negative connotations that it is easy to quickly reject it without understanding its genius. Montessori means that, if we provide for a child's emerging developmental needs, most problems will disappear.

Thinking about Alex and sleep, I find this to be generally true. If I provide for his physical and developmental needs between naps - feed him when he's hungry, offer diverse activities, and provide sufficient stimulation - he will generally "tell" me that he's tired and go down for a nap quite easily. We've taken the "Montessori" approach to room arrangement and have given Alex a low bed in a child-proof room. Hopefully, then, once he is mobile he will be able to tell us he's tired by going to his bed, and will be able to entertain himself once he wakes up. The room has already had its perks for solving the "parent need" aspect of sleep problems - I feel comfortable leaving him there for short period while I throw in laundry or grab something to eat.

Still, there are times, as with the babysitting experience, when sleep doesn't come easily and I wonder about the best approach. Recently, I perused a host of Feberian "cry it out" websites and sites on the other end of the spectrum to get some ideas on how to handle those middle-of-the-night wails or to see if nursing Alex to sleep is "ruining" him. The answers aren't clear, but I think Montessori would agree with the Feberians that we need to assist children in getting to sleep independently and she would agree with anti-Feberians that allowing a child to scream endlessly in the dark does not serve his needs.

In a recent rereading of What Every Parent Should Know, a long-held Montessori concept jumped out at me as a guide to handling sleep questions. In short, she says we must "help the child to do it himself." Lately, I've focused on giving only that help which is necessary for Alex to get himself to sleep. This is where the parent role as observer and interpreter comes into play. Is that cry insistent, or is it just a fussing that he can work through on his own? Is he truly tired at this moment, or does he just need a change of activity? Is trying to fall asleep in a strange place with a strange person too much for him to handle at this age?

Unfortunately, this conclusion isn't a "simple sleep solution" and there is certainly room for error. However, I find that it makes the most sense to me as a parent. Alex knows what he needs, and we can work with him to promote his independent fulfillment of those needs. Still, we're human, and there will be times when we misinterpret his behavior or attempts at communication and there will be times when we do what is self-serving. Neither of these things will ruin him. In fact, I feel pretty confident that, in the long run, our efforts to focus on Alex's needs and to assist him in becoming an independent sleeper will work out best for the whole family.